It’s Friday. That’s a good thing, right? I thought so, too – until I opened my eyes this morning – and my ears – to a very, very grouchy baby soon-to-be-3-year-old. Mae has the plague, and it’s been hanging on for almost a month now. That’s what happens when you put four girls together at daycare. They share everything – including their germs. Germs LOVE them!

I’ve had the plague, too – for about three weeks now. I’m sick of being sick. It’s screwed up my workout schedule, and generally made me feel like crap – pretty much all the time. I shouldn’t get sick for the rest of the winter – right? Pfft…

So – we’re hanging out together this morning. I HATE flipping on the TV — but there’s only so many towers were can build – paintings we can paint… We’re watching Charlie Brown’s Halloween right now – which isn’t so bad. I watched the show a few thousand times when I was her age, and – well – here I am – on the couch, sharing my day with a coughing baby…

The weekend is here. Please send wellness.

I feel a little better after talking with the lady who takes care of Mae for two days a week. I told her I was feeling a bit down because I feel as though I’ve lost all my social skills. She laughed. YOU?! – she said — “I talk baby gibberish half the time I chat with adults and don’t even realize I’m doing it!”

Fact is, Mae is better for having the opportunity to mix with three other little girls twice a week. Apparently, she gets along well with others — and is a very loving child. So, I must be doing something right.

Sigh… I need a vacation away from this place – just a few days out in the country would do me so much good…

I originally set out to make this blog all about raising mae (if you type www.raisingmae.com into your browser address line, you’ll end up back here – I merged the two domains together) – but then I thought I’d like a little more latitude to write about day-to-day happenings – so I created this blog.

I think the thing that bothers me at the moment is it seems as if I don’t have much to write about other than raising Mae. I feel as though I’ve lost my identity – who I am – over the last almost three years. The other sad thing is I can recall women saying the same thing – the stay-at-home moms – who have the duties of taking care of the children and the household. When I heard that, I dismissed it as silly. I thought, “I wish I could stay home all day and play with the kids and run the vacuum every now and then”. That was pretty stupid thinking on my part. I know better now.

The thing is I now have two days a week where Mae goes to daycare. I have those days to myself — well, whatever is leftover after I’ve done the “running of the vacuum” – and the other chores I need to attend to. Still – it leaves me a lot of time – but I feel like I’ve been squandering the time. It’s just been a month since she’s gone back to daycare (I had her all to myself all summer) – so maybe I’m just de-compressing a bit. I dunno. But what I do know is the sense of lost identity is very real. I think a lot of it has to do with what I tell people when they ask what I do. My reply is usually, “I’m a – uh – stay-at-home dad. I left the high-tech world – a nice cushy – well-paying job — to take care of my daughter.” Yeah. That’s what I’m doing. Jeez, that sounds ridiculous to me most every time I say it – but – it’s true.

The typical response I get is, “Oh, that’s so nice – what are you going to do when she goes back to school?” – or “Why would you do that?” – or “Wow, I wish I could stay home with my kids and play all day”… Oh yeah, I now GET the angst that stay-at-home moms have felt for years.

I know what I’m doing is the right thing. I know Mae is extremely happy to have at least one parent around pretty much all the time. I’m playing a major role in shaping her thinking. I’m there to help her find her own path. I know what I’m doing is luxury most men just don’t have – and -  I’m eternally thankful that we’re in a position where I can devote the time to raising Mae.

Still – I need to get my own act together. I feel like my social skills are lacking. When I do get a chance to to engage with other adults I spend way too much time talking – not enough time listening – and just feeling a little awkward about the whole ordeal. That’s just not me – but I suppose after 3 years of watching Dora the Explorer / Elmo / NiHao – changing diapers / potty training (Mae – not me) / keeping close watch on her all the time – day-in – day-out – it’s little wonder I’ve become a dull boy in the world of adults.

Yep. I need to be sure to write about things like this more often. I think it helps for me to rationalize things a bit, and helps me to see the objective a little more clearly — raise Mae – keep things ship shape at home – and ponder my future years when I have a free moment or two — and don’t worry about squandering free time – I probably deserve to. Right?

Okay – I now need to go pick up the little Princess — and see if she missed her old dad…

Mae now has a big girl bed. We thought it would be a nightmare transitioning her from her crib to the bed. Nope. EZ PZ. She LOVES her new bed. We sprung for the best mattress, and I have to tell you, I’d rather sleep in her bed! It really is nice and comfy in there. I’d show you a photo, but I’ve been uninspired as of late to take any photos at all. (I’m sure I’ll get over that by spring time )

This morning everyone was in a rush, except Mae. She decided to sleep in while her mama and sister rushed off to school and work. I didn’t bother her since she’s had a cold for a few weeks now and I’d really like to see her get over it soon. So – when I finally did hear her, I went in and she asked me to get under the covers with her (she has an awesome comforter, too!). I did, and she said, “I really love being under the covers with my daddy”… Oh man – that made me feel pretty good – and forget about the world outside her door…

I love that child – and I cannot envision my world without her in it…